Muscle Memory

It's funny how your subconscious knows things that maybe you haven't quite remembered outwardly.  That feeling of something not being right, but not being able to put your finger on *just what it is*. Just like how your muscles remember how to do things when they are trained how to do them.

I've been in a bit of a funk all week. All week, I kept thinking about how much I used to love December and now, for some reason, my anxiety creeps in and I almost fear December. This week, I've blamed exhaustion, the weather, my oh-so-annoying too fat for my regular clothes/not big enough for maternity clothes stage and the fact that after 4 weeks, I still don't feel anywhere near my normal self. Fears of being diagnosed with postpartum depression have also seeped into my mind.. bringing forth more anxiety and more worry.

Last night we braved the cold (hahaha. Hey, it was in the 50's! That's COLD for us!) and went to our local Holiday parade. We love this parade as it has this total small-town feeling, something that we don't often get nestled in the 6th largest city in the country. I bundled us all up tight and worried about little Zoë catching a chill.  At one point, I looked down at her, snuggled up so tight and sleeping through all the excitement... and I flashed back. Flashed back to 3 years ago, 12/2/2004, at Christmas on the Prado, a large San Diego holiday event at Balboa Park, Jason and I all excited to be celebrating Lucas' first Christmas. We looked down at our precious 9-month old baby, sleeping in his stroller, and we noticed that his lips were bright red. At first we commented on how cute his little red lips were. Then we started to worry that he had gotten too cold, I worried that when he was eating off my plate he ate something that he was having an allergic reaction to.. little did we know... Little did we know that two days later Lucas would be admitted to the hospital to be treated for Kawasaki Disease.

As far as "horrific diseases that your children can get" go, it could have been worse. Then again, it could have been worse if we hadn't taken him to Children's Hospital and just happen to have the assistant of one of the best KD doctors in the country standing there in the ER, called in to check on another child suspected of having KD. But for me, it was as if the bottom was falling out. Our pediatrician mentioned KD when we first brought Lucas in, but at that point she said it was only a 10% chance that is what he had. By the time we made it to Children's Hospital, it was a 30% chance, then as the test started coming back - the percentages got higher and higher. At this point for us, it was worst case scenario. It was this this experience, the "what ifs" of the situation, seeing my baby in a hospital bed and hearing him wailing in pain as they stuck him over and over with needles, that caused me to be diagnosed with postpartum depression 9-months after giving birth. And its those memories, those feelings and those sights and sounds that I fear now will haunt me every December. Even though I know that everything is okay.. sometimes the power of your brain just sucks.

Lucas, 3 years after Kawasaki Disease

Wondering why we even bother

Train table with 3 different "Thomas the Train" wooden track sets... $300

Die-Cast cars representing the entire cast of  Disney's movie "Cars"... $150

Spending an hour playing "good guy vs bad guy" with shampoo bottles in the bathroom ... priceless

Melting My Heart

It was a tough summer. The heat. The pregnancy. The child. The combination made me want to cry many times. It was no secret that this summer my child turned into the demon spawn. There were times we thought his head was going to spin around as green goo shot out. There were a few of these times. At the pinnacle of this stage, I actually took him to the Dr for a check-up, and begged the Dr to find something horribly wrong with him (that could be easily remedied with antibiotics) that would cause this uncontrollable behavior. When he found nothing, I came home and cried and felt like I was the worst parent in the world.

People kept telling me it was probably a stage. That his out-of-whack schedule, multiple trips and house guests mixed with some anxiety over the impending arrival of Princess Buttercup was causing him to act out. We could only hope..

And you know what? It was. A horrible monster stage, that RIGHT in time seems to have vanished into thin air, leaving my precious little man in time for a stage of UBER cuteness. I have no clue what caused his drastic turn-around, but I'm not going to question it.

These days, the adorable squishiness of Lucas is almost too much to handle. He's happy, he's eating, he's sleeping, he's playing, he's cuddly and he's the sweetest little thing out there. The other day he was playing in his room and I decided to take advantage of him entertaining himself and lay down on the couch. As I dozed off on the couch, I vaguely remember Lucas coming in the room and saying that he wanted to cuddle with me. I scooted over and he curled up next to me, resting his head on my belly and promptly fell asleep. I woke up about 3o minutes later to find him still there, hugging my belly, fast asleep. Smiling, I stroked his hair until he woke up, turned to me and smiled, and said "Oh, mommy. Your big baby belly makes such a nice pillow!"

This morning I woke up and Lucas was already on the couch, watching Charlie and Lola. Jason was telling me that Lucas woke up asking about the baby, when she was going to come and what she was going to look like. Jason said that he told Lucas he wasn't sure, but he bets the baby will look like Mommy. When I walked into the living room, he came bounding up to me. "Mommy! I'm SO excited for the baby to come! I think that she is going to be so pretty like you!"

Oh man, that was too much for the hormones first thing in the morning before any coffee.

I'm just thrilled that my sweet boy is back. The timing of this return could not have come at a better time.